Men And Women jokes

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

About 45 minutes.

The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex -- that way, he'd last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

"Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you're doing?"

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

"I'm just fixing the axle of my car, officer."

"Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes, your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, then you either married or gave birth to it.

'Just be quiet!!!' snapped the officer. 'Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.'

'But officer, I just wanted to say...'

'And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!'

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, 'Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.'

'Don't count on it,' said the prisoner. 'I'm the groom.'