Men And Women jokes

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after much considerstion he decided upon a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and carefully choset a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with this note.

"Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you that I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

He did not realize that the packages had been switched, and that he had unwittingly sent his girlfriend the pair of panties to her sister had just bought.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.
* Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours.
* We can be groupies.
* Male groupies are stalkers.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks.
* Free dinners.
* We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.
* We know the truth about whether size matters.
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
* It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. * We don't fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
* If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
* We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
* Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
* Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.

'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'

'Tell all of your sins, my daughter.'

'Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, 'Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.'

'Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?'

'No,' the priest says, 'but it'll wipe that smile off your face!'