Men And Women jokes

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Men And Women


the unconcerned widow
 
 
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

three men and a stripper
 
 
Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper came over to them and started to shake her ass. The first guy goes, 'Watch this,' so he licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it on her ass. The second guy goes, 'Oh yeah? Watch this,' so he takes a 100 dollar bill and licks it and sticks it on her ass. The third guy goes "That's nothing! He takes out his credit card, slides it down her ass crack and takes the money.'
after the honeymoon...
 
 
A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!'

the eternal optimist
 
 
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say 'It could have been worse.' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, 'Where's Gary?'

And one of his friends said, 'Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.'

Joe says,'Well it could have been worse.'

Both his friends said, 'How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'

Joe says, 'If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!'


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