Men And Women jokes

The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?'

The guy says, 'I said BAD DOG!'

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

She rolled her eyes and said, "There comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

Her friend promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"

'Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.'

As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?"

She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt.

"If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?"

She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again.

"Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this out right here?"

She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to screw me silly all night."

The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a backswing and....

"Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."