Men And Women jokes

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Men And Women


hiding in the closet
 
 
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

'You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

husbands' performance
 
 
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says 'My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.'

The second woman says, 'My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.'

The third woman just shakes her head and says, 'My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.'

how many men to open a beer?
 
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

dog day afternoon
 
 
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?'

The guy says, 'I said BAD DOG!'


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