Men And Women jokes

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Men And Women

to diet for
A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (212) 555-DIET" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Twenty pounds," he replies. "We'll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator. About 9 a.m., there's a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading "If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me." The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He's lost 20 pounds! That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds." "We'll send someone over." The next morning, he's greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads "If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me." The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he's lost 50 pounds! That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 100 pounds!" "Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That's an awful lot." The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!" About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads "If I catch you…"
What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?

hired help
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, 'Who is this?'

'This is the maid,' answers the woman.

'We don't have a maid,' says the man.

The woman says, 'I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'

The man says, 'Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'

The woman replies, 'She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.'

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, 'Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'

The maid says, 'What will I have to do?'

The man tells her, 'I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, 'What do I do with the bodies?'

The man says, 'Throw them in the swimming pool.'

Puzzled, the maid answers, 'But you don't have a pool.'

A long pause and the man says, 'Is this 567-5309?'

the newlywed game
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway."

The husband says, "I have something to confess also."

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

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