Men And Women jokes

They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for himself and his wife. While he's gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry.

Joe's wife exclaims, "You sick pervert! Get out of my sight!"

Joe returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to go kick that guy's ass. Joe says, "No way. A guy who can drink that much beer has got to have a pint on me!"

She turned around and took it like a man.

"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

"Lets get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfindel?"
--I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female)
--I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse Me." (male to female)
--I am going to grope you now.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."
--I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?"
--What's cheap?

"Can I just get a glass of water?"
--It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, so it's the least you can do for me.

1. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
   'Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
2. Why does the bride always wear white?
   Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
3. Why do women fake orgasms?
   Because they think men care.
4. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
   Made her chain too long.
5. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
   Phone her.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer?
   None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
7. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
   They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
8. What are the three fastest means of communication?
   1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tell a woman
9. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
   After 10 years the job still sucks.
10. What should you give a woman who has everything?
    A man to show her how to work it.