Men And Women jokes

A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman.

'Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.'

As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?"

She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt.

"If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?"

She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again.

"Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this out right here?"

She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to screw me silly all night."

The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a backswing and....

"Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says 'Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he can in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'

The mother interupts him. 'Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says 'I'm leaving you.'

The father, bewildered, slowly asks 'Why!?! What did I do??'

The mother turns to Jonny and says ' tell daddy exactly what you told me today!'

'I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.'

How are men and tile alike?

If you lay them right the first time, you'll be able to walk all over them for the rest of their life!