Men And Women jokes

What did the pimp use to put out the fire?

His hos!

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

'Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina

Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along a road. Suddenly out of nowhere, a freak cyclone sweeps through, overturning the car and ripping off both the man and woman's clothes. The Cyclone passes as quickly as it came, and the man finds himself trapped underneath the overturned car. He shouts at his wife to get help, who responds by telling him that she is wearing no clothes. "Put my shoes over your crotch!" he shouts "and go and get me help". She obliges, putting his shoes over her crotch, and flags down the next passing car. The driver gets out. "Help, help, it's my husband!" shouts the woman, to which the driver says, "Well if he's that far up, he's got no bloody chance!"