Animals jokes

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shoulda said
 
 
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

'Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?'

'Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.'

'Okay,' says the guy. He turns to his dog. 'Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?'

'Roof!' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

'THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!'

'Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?'

'Ruff!"

'What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?'

'Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?'

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

pig in summer
 
 
Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?

A: I'm bacon!
rabbit breakout
 
 
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

roadkill logic
 
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum how. (How many dead chickens have you seen along the road?)


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