Animals jokes

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

What's black and white and red all over?

An embarassed zebra!

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.

One night, one said to a another, “I'm so hungry. I'm going to go get something.”

“No don't! We have to wait for the others!”

“I don't care.” And off he went.

About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.

The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”

“You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”

So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

To that the first says, “Well, I didn't.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:  To get to the other side.

PLATO:  For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:  It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:  Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:  I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:  Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:  Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.  The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and  implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:  The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES:  And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:  Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE:  The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:  The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die.  In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?

BILL CLINTON:  I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.:  Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH:  The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!