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the naked truth
 
 
This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He asks, 'What the hell are you doing?'

Thinking quickly, the wife says, 'Uhm...waiting for you.'

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, 'But you're naked.'

Again the woman says, 'Yeah... I was waiting for you.'

The husband relaxes and says, 'Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!'

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.

The husband asks,' What in the hell are you doing?'

He replied, 'I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.'

The husband looks him over and says,'But you're naked.'

The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, 'Them little bastards.'

farmer joe and his mule
 
 
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
'I didn't ask for any details,' the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
'Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--'
'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
'Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
the magician and the parrot
 
 
A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, "He has a card up his sleeve" or "He has a dove in his pocket."

One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

it's not for him, stupid
 
 
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."


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