Animals jokes

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'gwapes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grapes here." So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grape here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asks, "Got any gwapes?"

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.

The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house."

So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the bricks pigs' house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down."

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.

The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared!

But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up.

Out step three pigs named Louie, Vito,and Dominic.

These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living heck out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired.

Then they got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!

"Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins from North Jersey--the Guinea Pigs."

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle names

There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and he felt good. He felt so good he opened his mouth and roared and roared. He roared until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral of the story is: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.