Animals jokes

A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.

INSULT TO INJURY

An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury is punishment enough.

HEY -- WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?

A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store... and called the police.

OOPS! OF THE WEEK

A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant -- where cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.

I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!

During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.

I THOUGHT THIS'D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY'D LOOK...!

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.

AND FINALLY...

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says 'Where?'

"What are they doing?" asked the girl.

"They're jumping rope," said the boy. "Maybe I'll teach you how someday."

"I think I want you to teach me now," said the girl. So the two went behind some bushes and started getting it on. When the boy had his pants down, the girl asked what that was behind his "rope."

"That," said the boy, "that's my knot."

"Well," said the girl, "untie the knot and give me some more rope."