Men And Women jokes

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

"Son, I won't tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you. But to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep with a bum for $500,000 and ask your sister is she'll sleep with the garbageman for the same amount." So, the little boy goes up to his mom.

"Mommy, would you ever sleep with a bum for $500,000?"

"You bet your ass I would!" exclaims the mother. So the little boy goes up to his sister's bedroom.

"Hey sis, would you sleep with the garbageman for $500,000?"

"I sure would!" exclaims his sister.

"Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?"

"Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we live with a couple of dirty whores!"

Two tits!