Men And Women jokes

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Men And Women


feminists change a light bulb
 
 
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.

no more labor pains
 
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.
the butcher's wife
 
 
How did the butcher introduce his wife?

“Meat Patty.”
translating male phrases
 
 
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you."
Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."


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