Men And Women jokes

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use belts to perch their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45 minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or (B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into that.

1. More beer. More cheese. More sex.
2. Vitamin fortified cigars.
3. Public beer fountains.
4. Kitty catapults.
5. All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
6. Wet T-shirt Fridays.
7. Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
8. Rocket boots.
9. Machine gun camp.
10. NASA space shuttle races.
11. Sledgehammer boxing.
12. Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
13. Congressional pie fights.
14. Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
15. More beer. More cheese. More sex.
16. Tomahawk missile surf boards.
17. Hot tub jury boxes.
18. Nacho cheese lipstick.
19. Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
20. New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
21. 24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
22. More beer. More cheese. More sex.
23. Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
24. Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
25. Beef jerky business cards.
26. Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
27. National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
28. Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.
29. Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
30. Karaoke "ejector" stages.
31. Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
32. The Astronaut Reserves.
33. Porno without all the "talking" filler.
34. Head banging elevated to "fine art".
35. All money spent on women tax deductible!
36. Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
37. Passports to Margaritaville.
38. The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
39. One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."