Men And Women jokes

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Men And Women

women's useless things
Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use belts to perch their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45 minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or (B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into that.
toilet training
How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?

I don't know, it's never been done.

what men want
  1. More beer. More cheese. More sex.
  2. Vitamin fortified cigars.
  3. Public beer fountains.
  4. Kitty catapults.
  5. All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
  6. Wet T-shirt Fridays.
  7. Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
  8. Rocket boots.
  9. Machine gun camp.
  10. NASA space shuttle races.
  11. Sledgehammer boxing.
  12. Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
  13. Congressional pie fights.
  14. Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
  15. More beer. More cheese. More sex.
  16. Tomahawk missile surf boards.
  17. Hot tub jury boxes.
  18. Nacho cheese lipstick.
  19. Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
  20. New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
  21. 24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
  22. More beer. More cheese. More sex.
  23. Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
  24. Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
  25. Beef jerky business cards.
  26. Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
  27. National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
  28. Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.
  29. Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
  30. Karaoke "ejector" stages.
  31. Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
  32. The Astronaut Reserves.
  33. Porno without all the "talking" filler.
  34. Head banging elevated to "fine art".
  35. All money spent on women tax deductible!
  36. Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
  37. Passports to Margaritaville.
  38. The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
  39. One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
a woman's plan
A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

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