Men And Women jokes

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Men And Women

oil change
Oil Change instructions for Women:
  1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change - $20.00 Coffee - $1.00 Total - $21.00.

Oil Change instructions for Men:

  1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.
  2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
  12. Clean up mess.
  13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
  14. Look for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
  16. Beer.
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
  18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
  27. Drink beer.
  28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
  29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
  30. Drink beer.
  31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
  32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
  33. Begin cussing fit.
  34. Throw wrench.
  35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob.
  36. Beer.
  37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
  38. Beer.
  39. Beer.
  40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
  41. Beer.
  42. Lower car from jack stands.
  43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
  44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  45. Beer.
  46. Test drive car.
  47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
  48. Car gets impounded.
  49. Make bail.
  50. Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!
showers: men vs. women
How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the 'woo, woo' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout 'Oh yeah, baby!' and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

why women are better than men
When women see a 'caution' sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.

*Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball ot basebll star.

*When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwhiches, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.

*Women can stand to be wrong, while men make excuses about 'misunderstanding' and some how it is always the women's fault.

*When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and snorts, while he gobbles down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show while dancing and socializing with friends.

*When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine.

*Women understand about privacy, and don't come in until 2 hours have passed.

*Women understand that babies do not come from a stork.

*When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the 'tough' guys that they are, will 'stay calm' until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.

*Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes...

black eyes
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."

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