Men And Women jokes

Three nuns were taking a walk one day.
'I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some pornography magazines," said the first nun.
"What did you do with them?" asked the second.
"I threw them away."
"I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some condoms," said the second nun.
"What did you do with them?" asked the first.
"I punched holes in them." The third nun fainted.

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?

They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, 'Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, 'I want to hang out with God Himself.'

The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, 'When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?' God asks, 'What do you mean?' 'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.

...just to name a few.' 'Hmmm ...,' replies God, 'Hold on a minute.' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say 'It could have been worse.' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, 'Where's Gary?'

And one of his friends said, 'Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.'

Joe says,'Well it could have been worse.'

Both his friends said, 'How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'

Joe says, 'If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!'