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After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
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So they won't hump your leg at a cocktail party.
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His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't worry," he says, "I'm your besht friend - give her thish and tell her that I chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you thish money to get it cleaned."
"Fantashtic," says the first guy. "You're amashing, really the besht."
Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off.
Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my jacket cleaned..."
"But there are 40 dollars here," she replies.
"Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack shat in my trousers as well."
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Never mind that, what's she doing out of the kitchen.
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