Men And Women jokes

How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?

We don't know because it's never been done!

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
* In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
* My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
* What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
* A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said 'I haven't eaten anything in four days.' She looked at him and said, 'God, I wish I had your willpower.'
* Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
* A man inserted an ad in the classified: 'Wife wanted.' Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* First guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
* How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
* Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.'
* A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
* The bumper sticker read: 'I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.'
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Q: How do you know when a man's planning for the future?

A: He buys TWO cases of beer.