Whatever jokes

Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2005 Edition":

Resolution #1 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 2003: I will not leave Marge. 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2 2002: I will stop looking at other women. 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda. 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 2005: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3 2002: I will not let my boss push me around. 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4 2002: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2003: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2004: I will read 5 books a year. 2005: I will finish Airport.

Resolution #5 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness. 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee. 2004: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 2005: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6 2002: I will get my weight down below 180. 2003: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2004: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2005: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8 2002: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2003: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2004: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2006.

Resolution #9 2002: I will see my dentist this year. 2003 I will have my cavities filled this year. 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10 2002: I will go to church every Sunday. 2003: I will go to church as often as possible. 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.

"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"

After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.

After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.

"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."