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men 'n' lightbulbs
 
 
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, men will screw anything.

if ever you're choking...
 
 
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
engineers and the human body
 
 
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

you know you're addicted to coffee when...
 
 
  1. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  2. you sleep with your eyes open.
  3. you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
  4. the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  5. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
  6. you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  7. your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  8. you chew on other people's fingernails.
  9. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  10. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  11. you can jump-start your car without cables.
  12. you don't sweat, you percolate.
  13. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  14. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  15. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  16. instant coffee takes too long.
  17. you channel surf faster without a remote.
  18. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  19. you short out motion detectors.
  20. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  21. you help your dog chase its tail.
  22. you soak your dentures in coffee.
  23. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
  24. you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  25. you answer the door before people knock.

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