Whatever jokes

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don't say this during sex
  1. But everybody looks funny naked!
  2. You woke me up for that?
  3. Did I mention the video camera?
  4. Do you smell something burning?
  5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
  6. Try breathing through your nose.
  7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
  8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
  11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
  12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
  13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
  14. Do you accept Visa?
  16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
  19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
  21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
  23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  25. Got any penicillin?
  26. But I just brushed my teeth...
  27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  29. I want a baby!
  30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
  31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
  32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  34. I think you have it on backwards.
  35. When is this supposed to feel good?
  36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
  38. Is that blood on the headboard?
  39. Did I remember to take my pill?
  40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
  42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
  43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
  47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
  48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
  50. You're almost as good as my ex!
  51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  53. You look younger than you feel.
  54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  60. What tampon?
  61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
  62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  64. I have a confession...
  65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
  69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
  70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  72. Did you come yet, dear?
  73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
  74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  75. Does this count as a date?
  76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
  77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
  78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
  79. You can cook, too right?
  80. When would you like to meet my parents?
  81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
  82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
  83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
  89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
  91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
  92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
  93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
  94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  95. Is this a sin too?
  96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
  99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
  100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
  101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
running around blindly
A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection one afternoon observed a blind man with his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross the street.

All of a sudden, the policeman was aghast at the sight of the seeing-eye dog bolting out into the street in front of heavy traffic at one of the busiest intersections in the whole city, dragging the blind man along with the dog's leash in the blind man's hands while cars were trying to stop,screeching their brakes and swerving to avoid a fatal accident.

The policeman was absolutely horrified, but could do nothing to assist. To the immediate relief of the horrified police officer, the blind man and his dog somehow made it across the street without suffering any harm to themselves whatsoever.It was a miracle!

The police officer, still in shock, observed the blind man, upon reaching the corner sidewalk after having nearly been killed crossing the street, reach into his pocket and pull out a cookie and offer it to his seeing-eye dog.

The officer ran to the blind man and said to him in a loud distraught tone, “Don't you realize that you could have been killed by your dog dragging you out into a busy street in front of heavy traffic like that? And NOW you're going to reward him?”

The blind man hesitated a moment, then he said to the policeman, “Why, no sir! I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass!"

signs you've had enough of the new millenium
1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2) You now think of three espressos as 'getting wasted.'

3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner?'

6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.

10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.

14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."

17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

20) You think a 'half-day' means leaving at 5 o'clock.

21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
boy scout
Why did the boy scout get kicked out?

He was caught eating a brownie!

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