Whatever jokes

Jokes » whatever » jokes 281

Whatever


how does herpes leave the hospital?
 
 
How does herpes leave the hospital?

On crotches.

why e-mail is like a penis
 
 

Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-Mail Envy."

It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.

Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

If you play with it too much, you could go blind.

god's name
 
 
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.

The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, 'There are too many people in heaven so you have to pass this quiz to get in.'

Forrest Gump says, 'Okay.'

The gatekeeper says, 'First question: What two days of the week begin with T?'

Gump replies, 'That's easy. Today and tommorrow.'

The gatekeeper says, 'Well, I didn't think of that so I'll give it to you.

Second question: How many seconds are in a year?'

Gump says, '12, January 2nd, February 2nd...'

The gatekeeper says, 'That wasn't what I was thinking, but I'll give it to you.

Last question: What is God's first name?'

Gump replies, 'Howard.'

The gatekeeper says, 'How on earth did you get Howard?'

Gump says, 'It's common sense. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.'

five pigs in a bar
 
 
Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first pig went in and ordered one beer. 15 minutes later, he asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender replied, ' Down the hall and to your right.'
Then, the second pig came in and ordered two beers, and after 30 minutes, he asked where the bathroom was.
Once again, the bartender replied, 'Down the hall and to your right.'
After that, the third pig came in. He ordered three beers, and after 45 minutes, asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender told him the same as the other to.
The fourth pig came in, and ordered four beers, and after and hour, asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender told him the same thing as he told the other three.
After all this, the fifth pig came in and ordered five beers. After about an hour and a half, he had NOT asked where the bathroom was. The bartender was wondering why.
So he asked, 'Don't you want to know where the bathroom is like the other four pigs?' The fifth pig just looked up him and answered smartly,
'No. Because I'm the piggy that goes, 'Wee wee wee,' all the way home.'

Page 282 of 497     «« Previous | Next »»