Whatever jokes

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roamin' Catholic.

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto, there's grass grower.
* In the suburbs, there's 'corner stores.' In the ghetto, there's liquor stores, bail bonds, weed, and lottery numbers in one building.
* In the suburbs, there's microbrews. In the ghetto, there's 40 ounces.
* In the suburbs, there's homeade acid. In the ghetto, there's 'sizurp.'
* In the suburbs, the ice cream man sells just ice cream. In the ghetto, he sells ice cream, chips, drinks, candy, crack, weed and mixtapes.
* In the suburbs, there's a response to a 911 call. 'Nuff said.
* In the suburbs, there's neighborhood parks. In the ghetto, there's corners.
* In the suburbs, there's lifestyles of the rich and famous. In the ghetto, there's lifestyles of the broke and pissed off.
* In the suburbs, there's Rover, Spot, etc. In the ghetto, there's Butch, Killa, Boo....
* In suburban schools, teachers are fired. In ghetto schools, teachers quit.
* In the suburbs, kids wear red, white or blue because they 'just like the color.' In the ghetto, kids wear red white or blue 'cuz that'z whut I claim.'
* In the suburbs, kids come home with candy. In the ghetto, kids come home with candy, coke can tops, crack pipes, etc.
* In the suburbs, you pop firecrackers on the 4th of July. In the ghetto, you pop firecrackers from the end of school until Halloween.
* In the suburbs, you have 'Honey I'm home' In the ghetto, you have 'Who was that came in the doe'?!"
* In the suburbs, dad's oldies are the Beatles, John Denver, etc. In the suburbs, dad's oldies are George Clinton, Zapp and Roger and the O'Jays--until they were stolen.
* In the suburbs, teenage bands consists of drums, bass, regular guitar, and the main vocalist. In the ghetto, teenage 'bands' consists of a table, a hairbrush and 15 or 20 dudes standing around taking turns freestylin'.
* In the suburbs, cable consists of 100 regular channels, and all the premium and pay-per-view channels In the ghetto, you have cable running from next door, 60 out of the 100 channels show up, and the others need a clothes hanger and some aluminum foil to show up halfway decent.
* In the suburbs, dad keeps his gun hid in a closet, and breaks it out during hunting season. In the ghetto, you gotta pack the steel everywhere you go.
* In the suburbs, you have community watch service. In the ghetto, you just have the community watch signs, spray-painted over.
* In the suburbs, you have bandanas In the ghetto, you have 'rags."
* In the suburbs, you wear your jewelry. In the ghetto, you 'floss yo' ice."
* In the suburbs, if your lights are cut off, you use candles.
* In the ghetto, you take your lamp and 2 or 3 extension cords and use the next-door neighbor's power.
* In the suburbs, potholes are in the middle of street. In the ghetto, Michelob bottles, and cigarette butts are in the middle of street.

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

3. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

5. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

9. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

10. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

11. If you're living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt.

12. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

13. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

14. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

15. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

16. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

17. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

18. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.

The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."

"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, think I'll have one too."

Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"