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doctors vs. lawyers
 
 
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.

The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."

"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, think I'll have one too."

Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

eulogy
 
 
There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven when Saint Peter met them and asked, 'What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?'

The first man answered, 'I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life.'

The second man replied, 'I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I had made a difference in some young person's life.'

The third man said, 'Wow guys, those are really great sentiments but I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!'

cute little sayings
 
 

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

3. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

5. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

9. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

10. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

11. If you're living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt.

12. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

13. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

14. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

15. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

16. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

17. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

18. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

santa's naughty list
 
 
Do you know why Santa is always so happy?

Because he knows where all of the bad girls are.

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