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cruel joke
 
 
What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas?

Cancer!

sobriety test
 
 
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
white stuff in bird poop
 
 
Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is?

That's bird poop, too.
the snail and the dung beetle
 
 
Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village just outside of some place you've never heard of, there was quite a stir amongst the villagers. The villagers, you see, wanted to schedule a race so that they could support their compulsive gambling habits, but could not find their two main contestants, the tortoise and the hare, and were forced to search for replacements. Nobody in the village was willing to race, because they all wanted to bet on it and get drunk during the race.

After many hours of searching, they found the best replacements they could, which happened to be a snail and a dung beetle. Neither of them wanted to race, but were forced to do so by the rest of the villagers. And so the race was scheduled for the next day. That night, snail and dung beetle went out to the bar in order to prepare themselves for their race. After many hours, and many exotic, alcohol-filled drinks, snail and dung beetle were prepared for their race, and went off to their separate houses in order to get some sleep before the big race.

The next morning, snail got up early and headed out to the racetrack, and dung beetle did the same. They stood ready at the start line and got prepared for the race. Soon, the shot was fired, and the race began. The dung beetle appropriately pooped himself. and the snail hid inside his shell. The villagers went to war.


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