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Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2005 Edition":
Resolution #1 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 2003: I will not leave Marge. 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
Resolution #2 2002: I will stop looking at other women. 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda. 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 2005: I will stop looking at other women.
Resolution #3 2002: I will not let my boss push me around. 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Resolution #4 2002: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2003: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2004: I will read 5 books a year. 2005: I will finish Airport.
Resolution #5 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness. 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee. 2004: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 2005: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.
Resolution #6 2002: I will get my weight down below 180. 2003: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2004: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2005: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Resolution #7 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Resolution #8 2002: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2003: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2004: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2006.
Resolution #9 2002: I will see my dentist this year. 2003 I will have my cavities filled this year. 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
Resolution #10 2002: I will go to church every Sunday. 2003: I will go to church as often as possible. 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
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"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"
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