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johnny cannot tell a lie
 
 
One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river."

She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie."

After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?"

Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did."

And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end.

After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping."

Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?"

what's worse?
 
 
What's worse than having termites in your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

midgets rock las vegas
 
 
Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take 'em out for a night on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel room at the MGM Grand.

However, the night doesn't quite turn out as planned. Since he's had too much to drink, one of the midgets can't get it up at all, and, to make matters worse, he has to listen to the other one say "1, 2, 3, huh," over and over again, all night. The next morning, the first midget is complaining.

"Man, did that suck. I was soft all night."

"You think that's bad," said the other midget. "I couldn't even get onto the bed."

torpedos
 
 
There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So she prayed to God and prayed and prayed, and eventually she got an answer -- God told her that every time someone said 'pardon me' to her, her boobs would get a little bit bigger. So she was in the grocery store and someone bumped into her and said 'pardon me' and her boobs got bigger. Then she was in the parking lot and someone hit her car and they said 'pardon me' and her boobs got a little bigger. That night this lady was in a restaurant, and a waiter tripped over her and spilled his food everywhere. He said 'Oh, excuse me! A thousand pardons.'
The next morning the headline in the newspaper was: 'Waiter killed by torpedos.'

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