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ocean highway hijinx
 
 
A man walking along the beach finds a magic lamp with a genie. The genie promises to grant him whatever wish he wants.
"Okay," says the man, "I would like a highway across the oceans."
"Hrm," says the genie. "Is there anyway you could wish for something smaller?"
"How 'bout three Polish women with IQs over 90?"
"How many lanes do you want for your highway?"
snowmen and snowwomen
 
 
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs! Ha!

abbott & costello's cyber-routine
 
 

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

handy worplace phrases
 
 
Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use at the workplace when truly pushed to the edge:

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

3. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

5. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

6. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and foolish.

8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

9. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

20. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

22. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

23. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.


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