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got to hurt
 
 
Did you hear in the news last night, that a guy living in Florida got his finger run over by a car and died instantly?

Of course, he had his finger up his nose.
signs you're too fat for your pants
 
 
  1. You've lost the feeling below your ankles.
  2. When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about a knee-injury to dismiss curious onlookers.
  3. When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.
  4. The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger.
  5. Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.
  6. People ask you questions like, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?"
  7. The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.
  8. It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.
  9. When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look great.
  10. Your name is Al Roker.
the genie and the wannabe
 
 
A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. “Well, I'd like to go to Hawaii. But, I'm afraid of flying and I don't like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii,” says the man.
“That's impossible!” says the genie, “You'll have to make another wish.”
“Ok, I want to know how to be a sucessful internet executive.” says the man.
“How many lanes do you want on that bridge? asks the genie.
the other side
 
 
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

'Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!'

'Not now! I'm eating.'

'Oh come on!' said the rabbit. 'It's really important.'

'No way.'

'Please. It's urgent.'

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

'Well, rabbit,' he panted. 'What did you want to tell me?'

'Hey, Teddy,' the rabbit began, 'look how many berries are on the other side of the river.'


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