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why halloween is better than sex
 
 
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You have less guilt the next morning.

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
top 20 signs it's a bad day
 
 
  1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
  2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
  3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
  4. You see a '60 minutes' news team waiting in your office.
  5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
  7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
  8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
  9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
  10. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
  11. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
  12. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
  13. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
  14. You wake up and your braces are locked together.
  15. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
  16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
  17. Your paycheck bounces.
  18. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
  19. Your pet rock snaps at you.
  20. Your wife says, 'Good morning, Bill' and your name is George.
working on the fourth husband
 
 

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

reasons santa can't be a man
 
 
Men can't pack a bag.

Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


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