Whatever jokes

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-Mail Envy."

It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.

Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

If you play with it too much, you could go blind.

None. The Bible makes no mention of lightbulbs.

The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, 'There are too many people in heaven so you have to pass this quiz to get in.'

Forrest Gump says, 'Okay.'

The gatekeeper says, 'First question: What two days of the week begin with T?'

Gump replies, 'That's easy. Today and tommorrow.'

The gatekeeper says, 'Well, I didn't think of that so I'll give it to you.

Second question: How many seconds are in a year?'

Gump says, '12, January 2nd, February 2nd...'

The gatekeeper says, 'That wasn't what I was thinking, but I'll give it to you.

Last question: What is God's first name?'

Gump replies, 'Howard.'

The gatekeeper says, 'How on earth did you get Howard?'

Gump says, 'It's common sense. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.'