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other things mama told me...
 
 
Not to cuss.

Not to cohabitate.

Not to use that language.

Not to go in the first place.

Not to invest in Telecom stocks.

Not to date sluts.

Not to eat with my hands.

Not to drink from the filthy bucket.

Not to train octopi.

Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.

Not to mix plaids and stripes.

Not to wiggle.

Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie's funeral.

Not to save and collect my empty enemas.

Not to smell my feet.

Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.

Not to lick the poison mushrooms.

Not to unlock the closet.

Not to wear her bras.

Not to "tickle the gator".

Not to play with the children under the stairs.

Not to juggle the plutonium.

Not to smoke her cigars.

Not to seethe.

Not to let the dogs out, because she'll know who did it.

Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.

Not to dance dirty.

Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.

Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.

Not to tap on my brother's iron lung.

Not to take candy from strangers.

Not to let Dad out of the closet.

cat hating husband
 
 
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

saddam hussein & his chauffeur were driving ...
 
 
Saddam Hussein & his chauffeur were driving down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road, killing it instantly. Saddam tells his driver "Go to the farm over there & explain to the owner of the pig what happened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm. His clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand & a cigar in the other. "What happened to you?", inquires Saddam.

"Well," replies the driver, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife the bottle of wine & their 19-year-old daughter made wild, passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" demands the dictator.

The chauffeur responds; "Good evening. I am Saddam Husseins chauffeur & I have just killed the pig."

yo mama
 
 
Yo mama's so fat, she's like a blimp--round and full of gas.

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