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santa's naughty list
 
 
Do you know why Santa is always so happy?

Because he knows where all of the bad girls are.
god bless us
 
 
There are five people on a plane that's crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, 'God bless me!'

Bill Gates jumps out and yells, 'God bless me and my bank account!'

Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, 'God bless me and my team!'

Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, 'God bless me and the New York Rangers!'

The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, 'God bless me and the people I land on!'

cute little sayings
 
 

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

3. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

5. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

9. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

10. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

11. If you're living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt.

12. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

13. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

14. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

15. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

16. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

17. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

18. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

suspenders
 
 
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his 'Vette, and they both leave the parking lot. The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot. He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph! He can't believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go. At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more. Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.

'How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?' the guy in the Corvette asks.

The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, 'MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!'

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