Whatever jokes

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"

"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this."

Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.

"I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."