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holding it in
What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor!
may i borrow the car?
A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date.
The dad says, 'Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.'
The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, 'Dad, Jesus had long hair...'
And the dad replies, 'Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn't he?'
top 13 never heard at daytona 500

13> "None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."

12> "Tampax! Get your Tampax here!"

11> "Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!"

10> "Sex with your sister!? Man, that's sick."

9> "My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!"

8> "Hey, you with the large breasts — out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"

7> "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone."

6> "What a coincidence, Hank — all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"

5> "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"

4> "Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor..."

3> "Whew! No more beer for me, fellas..."

2> "Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley."

1> "...and now, singing our national anthem — international recording artist Boy George!"

tree shark
What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it drops out of a tree, it'll kill you?

A pool table.

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