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tough love
 
 
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

annoying things to do in a restaurant
 
 
  1. Ask for a seat for your imaginary friend Bobo.
  2. Growl constantly and address everyone as 'Matey'.
  3. Ask for the Soup-du-Jour… at a fast food joint.
  4. Then ask about the freshness of the meat.
  5. Get out a stopwatch and see how fast you can get the manager over to you.
  6. Stare at a neighbor's food until they say something and then reply, "Oh don't mind me, I'm just looking for the piece of food that flew out of my mouth."
  7. Ask the waiter for a fresh fork, then a fresh spoon, then a fresh tablecloth.
  8. Burp the National Anthem, call anyone who objects unpatriotic.
  9. Yell, "Oh no not now!" and make a mad dash to the bathroom.
  10. Make obvious attempts to trip the waiters, snicker constantly.
monkey programmers
 
 
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll have that monkey please'. The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be $5000'. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did he cost so much?' The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey can program in 'C' very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does he do?' 'Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag around his neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does he do?' The shopkeeper shrugged and said, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't actually seen him do anything, but he says he's a SAP consultant.'
more chauvinism than ever before
 
 
Why did the pregnant lady cross the road?

I don't know, but where'd she get those shoes and what is she doing out of the kitchen?


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