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the legend of the christmas tree angel
 
 
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

vedil worshipper
 
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

german windbreaker
 
 
What do you call "fart" in German?

Farfrompoopin!

rating your christmas party
 
 
If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do is to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up the next day and call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party next year. What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So make sure your party reaches the correct "Festivity Level"

Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling on hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and sticking hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level Four: Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked, liquor-soaked bodies and are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case, feel free to go to level four. The best way to get to level three is eggnog. Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg," meaning, egg. I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, heavy cream and eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large festive bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture by telling them it's fat-free.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them that you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: Good evening. Are you the host?

You: No

Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.

You: About the drugs?

Police: No.

You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?

Police: No, the noise.

You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?

Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?

You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug, with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors, emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are already starting to wind down.


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