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terrible accident
 
 
A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident.
A man and a woman are both dead from a car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation, but he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something. The cop says, "Hey, monkey, you know what happened?"

The monkey mimes drinking a bottle of some kind. "They were drinking? What else?"
The monkey mimes smoking a joint. "They were smoking dope? There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"

The monkey mimes sexual relations. "They were screwing? This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! What were you doing to know all this?"
Monkey mimes driving and looking behind him...

what starts with 'f' and ends with ...
 
 
What starts with 'F' and ends with 'UCK?'

Firetruck!
the engineer and the frog
 
 
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

"hey, nice tie'
 
 
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."

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