Whatever jokes

“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands.

“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished.

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.

"What's going on here?"

"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.