Whatever jokes

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Whatever


father christmas?
 
 
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?

Cause he only comes once a year!

gross, grosser, grossest
 
 
What's grosser than gross?
Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.

What's grosser than that?
Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar.

What's grosser than that?
When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face.

You want to know what's grosser than that?
When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner.

But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.

interview don'ts
 
 
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. '... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.'

2. 'She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.'

3. 'A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.'

4. '... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.'

5. '... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve'

6. 'Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.'

7. 'Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.'

8. 'When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.'

9 . 'At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.'

10. '... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.'

11. 'Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.'

12. 'While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.'

13. 'During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.'

14. 'A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.'

15. 'His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.'

16. 'Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.'

17. '... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.'

18. 'Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.'
horse tears
 
 
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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