Whatever jokes

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An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

'Well, now,' says the old lady, 'I guess I would like to be really rich.'

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

'And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.'

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

'Your third wish?' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. 'Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, 'Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.'

who is god?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

blonde house party
How do you get a blonde on the roof?

....tell her drinks are on the house.

texas talkin'
Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...
  • The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
  • As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
  • Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
  • Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
  • We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
  • He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
  • She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
  • It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
  • Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
  • This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
  • He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
  • They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
  • Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
  • As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
  • You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

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