Whatever jokes

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like the Chinese."

"You don't like the Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "Why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "The Chinese didn't bomb Pearl Harbor! That was the Japanese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all the same!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I don't like Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"The Jews sank the Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no matter...they're all same!"

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, 'Where's Gary?'

And one of his friends said, 'Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.'

Joe says,'Well it could have been worse.'

Both his friends said, 'How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'

Joe says, 'If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!'