Whatever jokes

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

A: He's the one with the sesame seed buns!

A tribal leader finds that his wife has had a white baby. Enraged, he brings the baby to the missionary at the tribe and says, "You are the only white man to inhabit our land. Explain to me how my baby is white." Terrified, missionary responds, "Now, now..please do not make any hasty assumptions. Look at those white sheep over there? Among them there is one black one. There is no explanation as to how it got that color and is just a miracle of nature." The tribe leader pauses for a second, then says, "I apologize, sir. I understand you well and clear. I'll keep quiet about the baby if you keep quiet about the sheep."

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: 'Why the spoon?' 'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift.' As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' he answered, lowering his voice. 'Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom.' 'How so?' 'See,' he continued, 'by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent' 'Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?' 'Well,' he whispered, lowering his voice even further, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'