Whatever jokes

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2) You now think of three espressos as 'getting wasted.'

3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner?'

6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.

10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.

14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."

17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

20) You think a 'half-day' means leaving at 5 o'clock.

21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday.

During the party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "The man who dares to swim across that pool gets any of my riches he desires."

The party continues with no one in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man swimming as hard as he can. The fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and yet this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him but somehow this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word. Anything of mine I will give. My Ferrari's, my house, absolutely anything. For you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir, what will it be?"

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"

1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw dinosaur bones, and thought of them.

2: For their birthday, you offer to help them blow out the candles.

3: On their birthday, you tell the fire department that if they see a large fire, don't water it down, because soggy cake is no good.

4: Explain to them that the reason that no one can see the Christmas tree is because you put on every ornament that they got in their life.

5: Ask them if they got Columbus' autograph.

6: Tell them that the reason that they got no birthday gifts was that everyone had to pitch in to buy the candles.

7: Ask them if the Disney hit Hercules is telling the truth.

8: Ask them in what order God REALLY made the Earth.

9: Ask them if they helped God write the Bible.

10: Ask them if they personally knew Adam and Eve.