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name that flower
 
 
Q: What is the name of the flower you find between your nose and your chin?

A: Two lips [Translation: Tulips. Get it?].
italian mother
 
 
Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."

what a woman/man really means
 
 
What a woman says, what she really means...

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means...

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

stupid people euphemisms
 
 
1. Not the brightest crayon in the box
2. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
3. Not the cleanest toilet in the bathroom
4. Not the funniest clown in the circus
5. Not the fastest horse in the race
6. Not the sharpest tool in the shed
7. Not the brightest star in the sky

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