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the lord's name in vain
 
 
A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled “Goddamn it” and the preacher said, “Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.’”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again. The preacher again told him, “Don't take the Lord's name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.’” The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising. The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
ray charles hurts himself. a lot.
 
 
How did Helen Keller parents punish him as a child?

They rearranged the furniture.
which came first?
 
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, 'Well, I guess we answered THAT question!'
black eyes
 
 
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."

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