Whatever jokes

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blonde looking for a job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

father murphy's donkey
Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very poor parish and he needed money. He bought a horse to enter in a local race, but the horse turned out to be a donkey. Still, Father Murphy took it as God's will and entered the donkey in the race anyway. The donkey came in third and the newspaper said, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS!"

Encouraged, Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race. The donkey came in first and the papers said, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS UP FRONT!" He entered the animal in yet another race. This time it came in second and the papers read, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE!".

The archbishop heard of the priest's activities and decided the church didn't approve of gambling. He ordered Father Murphy to pull the donkey out of all future races. The papers announced, "ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS!"

The Father gaves the donkey to one of the nuns, Sister Agatha and the papers said, "NUN OWNS BEST ASS IN TOWN!"But eventually Sister Agatha got tired of tending the donkey, and sold it to a children's home for only ten dollars. And the newspapers blared, "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR $10!"

abusement park
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed and she seemed rather bored.
"What do you wanna do now?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy.
"What else she would like to do?" he asked her.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and decided to take the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early.
"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Absowutewy wousy," said the girl.
fat dude
A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed to lose weight.

'I'm at the end of my tether doctor, is there anything you can suggest I do?'

So the doctor examines him and after some prodding and tutting finally suggests that he should spend six months in hospital, with his jaws wired shut.

'Well, OK doctor, it sounds drastic, but I guess that's what I need.'

Anyway, six months go by and the dude comes out of hospital, thin as a rake. He goes round to the doctor's to thank him.

'There's only one problem doctor, you see I was so fat beforehand, that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?'

'Hmm, short of pretty comprehensive plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Take your clothes off a moment.'

So the dude strips down. Then, squeezing it all upwards, the doctor ties it in a ball above his head.

'That's all well and good, doc', the dude said, 'but my navel is now in the middle of my forehead.'

The doctor replies, 'Yes, but you should see what you have got for a collar and tie!'

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