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george washington & cherry tree
There has been a recent discovery among archives shedding new information regarding George Washington's famous line "I can not tell a lie -- I chopped down the Cherry Tree." It seems that someone was hiding nearby during the following discussion and copied this on parchment.

"George, son, did you chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, Dad."

"Son, because I trust you and have given you the privilege of running the plantation while I'm gone as a symbol of that trust, I'm going to believe you."


"George, your brother was talking to one of our slaves, and the slave told him he saw you chop down that cherry tree last winter. Did you?"

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, he saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors.

"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship. After all, who's going to remember a cherry tree as a symbol of my character and ability to lead?"

yuppie scumdogs
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

wash the cat
The doctor was walking around checking by his patients when he saw a man putting a cat into the washing machine then said to the man, 'Are you crazy? The cat's going to die!' The man said, 'Don't you worry about her Doc, I wash this cat everyday.' So the doctor shook his head and kept on walking, but ten minutes later the doctor came back and the cat was dead! So he said to the man angrily, 'Didn't I tell you you'd kill the cat?' The man said, 'Doc, the cat didn't die because I washed her, the cat died because I ironed her.'
gloves and panties
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

The note read:

Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby

PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

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