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baked beans and their delightful tune
 
 
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

do you have a light?
 
 
Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway.

'What do you want?' he asked.

'Do you have any tobacco?' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away.

'Go faster!' said the passenger. 'I don't want to see him again!' So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window again.

'Do you have a light?' said the old man's face. Trembling, the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And the old man went away.

'Drive faster!' said the passenger. So they pushed it to 100 mph. But ten minutes later, the face returns. 'What do you want from us?' screamed the passenger.

The old man gently replied 'You jackasses want some help getting out of the mud?'

bush's tragedy
 
 
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word 'tragedy.'

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

hollywood lessons
 
 
  1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
  3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
  4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
  5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
  6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
  7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
  8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
  14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

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