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final exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"I don't know why you are bothering. You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

Two hours passed and the professor told everyone to pass in his/her test. The late student is still furiously scribbling and eventually turns in his paper at the end of class.

The professor says, "Sorry, I can't take your paper."
The student asks, "Why not"
The professor answers, "Because it is late."
The student asks angrily, "Do you know who I am?"
The professor looks at the student and shakes his head.
The student yells, "Do you know who I AM?"
The professor responds, "No."
So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves his tests in the middle of the pile and nonchalantly walks off.

for unemployed loser schmucks
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all of his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” the man said, “what is it?”
“It's called the door!”
how many blondes does it take...
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

100. 99 to peel the M&M's and one to mix the batter!

don't say a word
Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should've been.

His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the goddam dishes!"

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