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parachute crap shoot
 
 
Four people are in an airplane: the president, the smartest man in the world, an old man and a young girl. The plane catches on fire and there are only three parachutes.

The president gets one and says, “My country needs me!” and jumps.

The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, “Well, the world needs me, since I'm so smart,” and jumps.

One parachute left and the old man says, “You take it, my life is almost over anyway.”

The little girl says, “No. We both can jump.”

Confused, the man asks, “How?” The little girl says, “The smartest man in the world took my backpack.”

preacher, peanuts, recluse
 
 
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady.
"Help yourself," she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few."
"That's okay," says the lady, "Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."
old lady's breasts
 
 
Q: What has an old lady got between her breasts that a young one doesn't?

A: Her belly button.
solitary confinement woes
 
 
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"


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